Transitions: A Guide to the 6 Stages of a Successful Life Transition
Wisdom Press, 2016 Available at Amazon (paperback or ebook) Introduction (below) Chapter One |
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A Letter to My Reader
Not in his goals but in his transitions man is great.
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON
There are times in each of our lives when our well-ordered existence seems to crack open, and life no longer seems to work as it once did. This may occur slowly over time or with an unexpected suddenness. We may be taken over by a persistent boredom and discontent, or feel the subtle sense that something is just not right. We may be shocked by an unexpected loss, disabling emotional distress, or physical disease. Or perhaps we may have simply reached the time in life when we can no longer avoid the inner longing that knows that there is something more—something more meaningful and more possible for our life.
When our old life structure begins to come apart, we are at the entranceway to a life transition, a very special, sacred, and pregnant time that is filled with unseen and well-disguised possibilities. If this opportunity is taken up and fully lived and experienced, our lives will expand and we will be reborn into a larger well-being full of new possibilities. But if we refuse or deny this opportunity, our life will stagnate, accompanied by the signs and symptoms of persistent emotional distress and potentially premature illness, whose source will seem obscure to ordinary vision.
And so it is that we find ourselves confronting the great transitions in our life at moments of pain, distress, and disease. At such times, we most acutely feel fear, disorientation, and the unknown. Reaching outside for help, we may consult a psychologist or physician, hoping for a remedy to our distress. And at times there is help—temporary relief from physical suffering, new psychological tools, and maybe even a “cure.”
What we call “ordinary” health may return, and that is good. But if that is all that happens, it is a false achievement. Unfortunately most psychologists and physicians are not trained to see or cultivate the all important life transition that is the hidden message and possibility embedded in our distress. We may feel better, but the opportunity to be reborn into a revitalized life and health may well be lost to the narrowness and blindness of a limited view of health, healing, and human possibility.
So, to grasp this opportunity, we must look beyond the limited training of our usual helpers, see through the darkness, accept the call to a new life, fall in love with the possibilities, and find inspiration in the great stories of transition and change. We can learn from the journey of Odysseus, the quest of Parsifal, the trials of Job, Joseph Campbell’s Hero of a Thousand Faces, or perhaps our next-door neighbor. These great stories offer us a map that can guide us through the confusion and darkness, reconnect us to our soul, and bring forth the light of a larger life. It is a map that provides us with a clear picture of the stages and process of transition, a map that can help us transform suffering, pain, and disease into the great human treasures of wholeness, peace, love, and joy. It is this map that I will begin to share with you here.
My first opportunity to share my experience with a larger audience occurred when I began writing a health column for a local newspaper many years ago. One of my first columns, entitled “Transitions,” got an unexpected and somewhat surprising response. People called me at my medical office and stopped me on the street, asking, “How did you know what I’ve been living through?” After we shared a few words, they would thank me and then add, “I thought there was something wrong with me. I felt so alone.” The tone of their voices and the look in their eyes indicated relief—they were relieved to know that someone else understood and that they were not alone or “crazy.”
It is difficult enough to transform one’s life. And when we do, it often seems as though we have no choice but to do it through trial and error. However, the sequential stages of a life transition have been known for millennia. In very personal and passionate terms, those who went before us left us a roadmap written in poetry and prose. The guidance they offered provides precise details, illuminates the path, reassures the soul, and assists with a safe passage. So we are fortunate to have their knowledge. It is like we have found a friend, mentor, and fellow traveler in our wise ancestors who took the road less traveled. In the pages that follow, my intention is to explore with you this age-old knowledge.
There are six stages of a life transition: The Call, The Departure, The In-Between Time, Lessons Learned, The Return, and The Gold. The call from our depths, the first stage of a life transition, arrives in many ways. It may follow an unexpected loss, persistent mental stress or distress, the onset of physical disease, the aging process, or a more subtly quiet yet persistent sense that there is “more to life.” Our distress calls us to personal renewal.
There are times when this call slowly builds over years. There are other times when we begin to lose control as the pillars of our well-ordered life rapidly fall apart. In either instance, we are at the entranceway to a life transition, a very special, sacred, and pregnant time filled with unseen possibilities. When the call comes, we each have a choice. We can refuse it through denial, procrastination, distraction, or grasping at numbing transient pleasures. To do so turns our life back to what was, to the outdated habits and patterns of the past. We invite both stagnation and spiritual decay—losing personal power, creativity, and vitality—a loss that shows up years later as persistent emotional distress and premature disease.
This critical period, when we hear and are summoned to answer the call to change, is a momentous time of our life. If we answer the call, it is a time when the courage and risks taken will determine, for years to come, the character of our lives. Those who choose to accept the call and pass through the threshold will enter the second stage of transition.
The departure is the second stage of transition. The poet T. S. Eliot wrote, “The end is where we start from.” Endings are a dying off and separation from certain parts of our life that no longer work for us. This may include relationships, lifestyles, work, meanings, or the false sense of immortality. This second stage is difficult. It can be filled with disenchantment and disillusionment, which accompanies a painful recognition that what was once our life will no longer work and cannot be fixed. There are a mixture of feelings—loss, sadness, aloneness, emotional pain, fear, relief, excitement, and the anticipation of adventure. One or more of these feelings may dominate your experience.
Having separated from aspects of your previous life and identity, a process that may take months or longer, we next enter the in-between time, the third stage of transition. That’s a special time—one could say, a sacred time—that separates past from future. It is like a “parenthesis” in our life, a time of reflection, contemplation, simple being, and spontaneous discovery, often mixed with anxiety and fear. It is during the in-between time that we gain new insights into our life, learning what we need to know in order to move forward. The in-between time may last for months or longer. It is a difficult, yet wonderful, time. There are moments of great joy and moments of suffering, times of great insight and times that seem boring and useless. But all the time, a new life is incubating.
We learn many lessons during the in-between time, lessons that will guide the return to a new life. That is the fourth stage of transition. We learn about humility, impermanence, living in the present moment, listening to our deeper self, trusting inner wisdom, and living in accord with our true nature. These lessons do not arrive all at once. They emerge as we allow an open space for insight and wisdom to arise from our depths. Each lesson learned becomes our own. It is not inherited from family or culture. It’s our wisdom, our knowledge, our nature. It’s the only basis for an authentic life.
After the necessary time of incubation and self-discovery, renewed and revitalized, we are ready to take the first tentative steps toward integrating our newfound truths into day-to-day life. The return is the fifth stage of transition. It is a time of trying out new values, beliefs, identities, and lifestyles, while at all times holding our authentic center. The return is at first a tender and vulnerable time. Over time, we accommodate to our new life, progressively feeling a previously unknown sense of authenticity, confidence, balance, and harmony.
As a result of the courage to undertake transition, we progressively gain the fruits of this journey. The reward for the completion of this heroic adventure is the return home to who and what we are: the return home to health and healing of mind, body, and spirit, the return home to a renewed life of authenticity, joy, and freedom. Stripped of old fears, limitations, illusions, and fantasies, we can engage life with the freshness of an early spring morning. Briefly at first, and then more assuredly, we experience an authentic happiness and peace, wisdom, and freedom. These are not given from the outside. They are gained on the inside through the efforts of our life transition. Not dependent on outside circumstances, they are hardy, resistant, and immune to the difficulties and adversities of life. That is the sixth stage of transition, the Gold.
These are the six stages of a life transition. As difficult and as treacherous as it may seem, when the ripening occurs and a revitalized life begins to return, you come to know that the modern-day hero no longer fights his battles on the fields of Troy or the beaches of Normandy, but rather plants his flag on the battlefield of the soul. And the peace and healing we find inside becomes the peace that will be found outside. Through our own courage to engage change, we become an inspiration to others, the seed for a better world.
You may ask, “Why do I have to go through this while others seem to be happy and never in crisis?” Perhaps it is no more complex than the realization that some of us are born to be seekers and some not, and some of us are destined for a larger healing and wholing, and others not. In The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Volume 6 1955–1956, the writer Anaïs Nin stated it this way:
When our old life structure begins to come apart, we are at the entranceway to a life transition, a very special, sacred, and pregnant time that is filled with unseen and well-disguised possibilities. If this opportunity is taken up and fully lived and experienced, our lives will expand and we will be reborn into a larger well-being full of new possibilities. But if we refuse or deny this opportunity, our life will stagnate, accompanied by the signs and symptoms of persistent emotional distress and potentially premature illness, whose source will seem obscure to ordinary vision.
And so it is that we find ourselves confronting the great transitions in our life at moments of pain, distress, and disease. At such times, we most acutely feel fear, disorientation, and the unknown. Reaching outside for help, we may consult a psychologist or physician, hoping for a remedy to our distress. And at times there is help—temporary relief from physical suffering, new psychological tools, and maybe even a “cure.”
What we call “ordinary” health may return, and that is good. But if that is all that happens, it is a false achievement. Unfortunately most psychologists and physicians are not trained to see or cultivate the all important life transition that is the hidden message and possibility embedded in our distress. We may feel better, but the opportunity to be reborn into a revitalized life and health may well be lost to the narrowness and blindness of a limited view of health, healing, and human possibility.
So, to grasp this opportunity, we must look beyond the limited training of our usual helpers, see through the darkness, accept the call to a new life, fall in love with the possibilities, and find inspiration in the great stories of transition and change. We can learn from the journey of Odysseus, the quest of Parsifal, the trials of Job, Joseph Campbell’s Hero of a Thousand Faces, or perhaps our next-door neighbor. These great stories offer us a map that can guide us through the confusion and darkness, reconnect us to our soul, and bring forth the light of a larger life. It is a map that provides us with a clear picture of the stages and process of transition, a map that can help us transform suffering, pain, and disease into the great human treasures of wholeness, peace, love, and joy. It is this map that I will begin to share with you here.
My first opportunity to share my experience with a larger audience occurred when I began writing a health column for a local newspaper many years ago. One of my first columns, entitled “Transitions,” got an unexpected and somewhat surprising response. People called me at my medical office and stopped me on the street, asking, “How did you know what I’ve been living through?” After we shared a few words, they would thank me and then add, “I thought there was something wrong with me. I felt so alone.” The tone of their voices and the look in their eyes indicated relief—they were relieved to know that someone else understood and that they were not alone or “crazy.”
It is difficult enough to transform one’s life. And when we do, it often seems as though we have no choice but to do it through trial and error. However, the sequential stages of a life transition have been known for millennia. In very personal and passionate terms, those who went before us left us a roadmap written in poetry and prose. The guidance they offered provides precise details, illuminates the path, reassures the soul, and assists with a safe passage. So we are fortunate to have their knowledge. It is like we have found a friend, mentor, and fellow traveler in our wise ancestors who took the road less traveled. In the pages that follow, my intention is to explore with you this age-old knowledge.
There are six stages of a life transition: The Call, The Departure, The In-Between Time, Lessons Learned, The Return, and The Gold. The call from our depths, the first stage of a life transition, arrives in many ways. It may follow an unexpected loss, persistent mental stress or distress, the onset of physical disease, the aging process, or a more subtly quiet yet persistent sense that there is “more to life.” Our distress calls us to personal renewal.
There are times when this call slowly builds over years. There are other times when we begin to lose control as the pillars of our well-ordered life rapidly fall apart. In either instance, we are at the entranceway to a life transition, a very special, sacred, and pregnant time filled with unseen possibilities. When the call comes, we each have a choice. We can refuse it through denial, procrastination, distraction, or grasping at numbing transient pleasures. To do so turns our life back to what was, to the outdated habits and patterns of the past. We invite both stagnation and spiritual decay—losing personal power, creativity, and vitality—a loss that shows up years later as persistent emotional distress and premature disease.
This critical period, when we hear and are summoned to answer the call to change, is a momentous time of our life. If we answer the call, it is a time when the courage and risks taken will determine, for years to come, the character of our lives. Those who choose to accept the call and pass through the threshold will enter the second stage of transition.
The departure is the second stage of transition. The poet T. S. Eliot wrote, “The end is where we start from.” Endings are a dying off and separation from certain parts of our life that no longer work for us. This may include relationships, lifestyles, work, meanings, or the false sense of immortality. This second stage is difficult. It can be filled with disenchantment and disillusionment, which accompanies a painful recognition that what was once our life will no longer work and cannot be fixed. There are a mixture of feelings—loss, sadness, aloneness, emotional pain, fear, relief, excitement, and the anticipation of adventure. One or more of these feelings may dominate your experience.
Having separated from aspects of your previous life and identity, a process that may take months or longer, we next enter the in-between time, the third stage of transition. That’s a special time—one could say, a sacred time—that separates past from future. It is like a “parenthesis” in our life, a time of reflection, contemplation, simple being, and spontaneous discovery, often mixed with anxiety and fear. It is during the in-between time that we gain new insights into our life, learning what we need to know in order to move forward. The in-between time may last for months or longer. It is a difficult, yet wonderful, time. There are moments of great joy and moments of suffering, times of great insight and times that seem boring and useless. But all the time, a new life is incubating.
We learn many lessons during the in-between time, lessons that will guide the return to a new life. That is the fourth stage of transition. We learn about humility, impermanence, living in the present moment, listening to our deeper self, trusting inner wisdom, and living in accord with our true nature. These lessons do not arrive all at once. They emerge as we allow an open space for insight and wisdom to arise from our depths. Each lesson learned becomes our own. It is not inherited from family or culture. It’s our wisdom, our knowledge, our nature. It’s the only basis for an authentic life.
After the necessary time of incubation and self-discovery, renewed and revitalized, we are ready to take the first tentative steps toward integrating our newfound truths into day-to-day life. The return is the fifth stage of transition. It is a time of trying out new values, beliefs, identities, and lifestyles, while at all times holding our authentic center. The return is at first a tender and vulnerable time. Over time, we accommodate to our new life, progressively feeling a previously unknown sense of authenticity, confidence, balance, and harmony.
As a result of the courage to undertake transition, we progressively gain the fruits of this journey. The reward for the completion of this heroic adventure is the return home to who and what we are: the return home to health and healing of mind, body, and spirit, the return home to a renewed life of authenticity, joy, and freedom. Stripped of old fears, limitations, illusions, and fantasies, we can engage life with the freshness of an early spring morning. Briefly at first, and then more assuredly, we experience an authentic happiness and peace, wisdom, and freedom. These are not given from the outside. They are gained on the inside through the efforts of our life transition. Not dependent on outside circumstances, they are hardy, resistant, and immune to the difficulties and adversities of life. That is the sixth stage of transition, the Gold.
These are the six stages of a life transition. As difficult and as treacherous as it may seem, when the ripening occurs and a revitalized life begins to return, you come to know that the modern-day hero no longer fights his battles on the fields of Troy or the beaches of Normandy, but rather plants his flag on the battlefield of the soul. And the peace and healing we find inside becomes the peace that will be found outside. Through our own courage to engage change, we become an inspiration to others, the seed for a better world.
You may ask, “Why do I have to go through this while others seem to be happy and never in crisis?” Perhaps it is no more complex than the realization that some of us are born to be seekers and some not, and some of us are destined for a larger healing and wholing, and others not. In The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Volume 6 1955–1956, the writer Anaïs Nin stated it this way:
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I live the personal drama responsible for the larger one, seeking a cure. Perhaps it is the greater agony to live this life in which my awareness makes a thousand revolutions while others make only one. My span may seem smaller but it is really larger because it covers all the obscure routes of the soul and body, never receiving medals for its courage.
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You may further inquire as to what all of this has to do with health and healing? Why would a physician trained as a healer write about transition and transformation? Years of medical practice have taught me how easy it is to close the door on the valuable teaching moments of distress and disease, precious moments that contain the possibility of personal transformation. That rare opportunity to gain a larger life, a door that may open only a few times in a lifetime, is too often and too quickly closed with diagnostic labels, drugs, and treatments. This is not to disparage the importance of modern medicine, However, it is to point out that treatment devoid of a larger view of healing deprives us of the opportunity to go beyond remedies to the deeper transformation and healing we are called to by distress and disease. Transition and transformation are at the core of a vital and ongoing healing process.
To successfully traverse a life transition requires personal heroism, a willingness to question, to risk, let go of the past, and adventure into the unknown. In ancient times, cultures provided rituals, practices, and guidance that assisted individuals in responding to life’s changes. But, in our time, these ancient guides and rituals are all gone. We feel as if we are left alone. That is why we need to understand the six stages of transition shared by those who preceded us. Without that knowledge, we are limited to trial and error, and the entire outcome remains in question.
“It must be fully understood,” said the famed psychologist C. G. Jung in Modern Man in Search of a Soul, “that the mere fact of living in the present does not make a man modern, for in that case everyone presently alive would be so. He alone is modern who is fully conscious of the present. . . . Indeed, he is completely modern only when he has come to the very edge of the world, leaving behind him all that has been discarded and outgrown, and acknowledging that he stands before a void out of which all things may grow.”
This book began in that void. It began at the time of my first major transition. It is not meant to be merely informative. It is meant to be a companion and guide on your journey through a life transition. To know that you are not alone is helpful and reassuring. To understand the process assures you that you are quite sane at the difficult moments you may question it. To know what is ahead can save you the detours that come with trial and error. This book is meant to serve those purposes and come alive as you courageously pursue the transitions in your life.
If we can accomplish this task, in Joseph Campbell’s words in The Hero with a Thousand Faces, “Where we thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our existence; where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world.”
In the pages that follow, I will ask you to use your transitions, not squander them.
Copyright © 2016 by Elliott S. Dacher, M.D. (From Transitions: A Guide to the 6 Stages of a Successful Life Transition, Wisdom Press, 2016)
